Not another Albus Giant Squid Parody
by Canon is dead long live fanfic
Summary: No this is not an Albus Giant Squid Parody. To find out more read inside. M because I said so. Allegedly funny. 6th chapter rather good compared to others. Read it. Changed partnership.
1. On the train

-1DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

A Harry Potter Fiction…allegedly.

Draco Malfoy smirked as he followed his father through the barrier, as long as his father was here none of the other bigger boys would be able to pick on him and he'd have more time for the quality sucking up he was famed for (the publicly displayable kind…for now)…STOP, STOP that's not the direction we want to go in.

Take 2!

He stalked along the platform like…a big stalky thing? Causing all the other students to take off their caps (?) in respect. He was back and badder than ever , you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout , I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town! OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Take 3.

Hermione Granger rolled her eyes at her friends, in Draco Hermione fics she tends to do this a lot. Ron had once again said something stupid, Harry was looking uncomfortable, obviously anticipating another Ron Hermione argument…wait a second what was happening to Harry! His hair was changing colour and you could almost see the IQ points leaving him. OMG! Ron 2! Harry (Ron 2?) then turned to Ron laughed and made another Moronic comment…causing Hermione to storm of in a huff.

"What was the about?" Possibly Ron asked Probably Ron 2

"I don't know, fancy a game of chess?" Harry (2?) replied.

"I didn't know we were on the train!" Replied the bemused Ron.

Just then a familiar sneering voice made its predictable yet still unwelcome presence known.

"What you don't know could fill several books…Weasel." Draco sneered smirkingly.

Draco, still a little off kilter from the sudden boost of IQ points turned to Potter.

"Where's Hermione?"

Causing 4 mouths to hang open in shock?

"Who?" Replied Ron 2/Harry Faintly.

"Hermione…Granger, Bushy Haired Know-it-all. Always hanging around you two." Draco, unaware of his unwitting social gaffe.

"SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING MIONE HERMIONE?" Roared Ron having confirmed, indeed they were on the Hogwarts express.

Draco watched dreamily as the flustered red head got up a strode manfully across the compartment to slam him up against the wall.

"HOW LONG HAVING YOU BEING FUCKING MIONE!" Roared Ron immediately jumping to the worst and most ludicrous conclusion.

Draco meanwhile was trying not faint as the air from Rons breath assaulted his delicate pureblood nasal passages which contained a hint of his secret turn on…corned beef sandwiches.

"Leave my boyfriend alone" Screamed a briefly returned Harry who quickly blushed and turned back into Ron 2 on account of two incredulous stares.

Draco suddenly beefed up due to, being a sexy slytherin bad boy with blonde hair causing him to grow half a foot…in his pants, gain 20 hitherto unknown sexual experiences and lose one with his father, double his skill at quid ditch (making victory against Harry a dead cert, Dramione remember?) and BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HOTTY EVER. Super Draco briefly took stock before promptly pushing Ron through the compartment wall, then the next one until colliding with Proffesor Snapes Penis which had been on its way back to it's master after a nice vacation to Ireland.

"Hey Ron, nice of you to drop in." Replied the Penis Amicably.

Ron however wasn't listening, he was to busy staring at the beautiful black haired Goddess sitting across from him sporting a perfect hourglass figure and an amused smirk.

"Hey Ron, what are you doing in the Heads department?"

She knows my name! Could life get any better? Ron was beginning to drool.

"Ron are you in there?"

"How do you know my name?"

The girl sighed. "Ron it's me, Hermione."

"Hermione?"

"No…Ronald, the Queen of Sheeba." Hermione sarcastically replied sarcastically. SARCASTICALLY.

Then we find out the in fact somehow Hermione is Professor Snapes daughter who had been living under a glamour spell and was NOW THE MOST POWERFUL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HOTTY EVER….causing Ron to scream. "OH MY GOD, YOU REALLY ARE FUCKING MALFOY!" Run out crying leaving a bewildered Hermione in his wake.

Snapes penis having just finished wandlessly repairing the compartments turned around. "Well that could have gone better."

Hermione collapsed onto his testicles sobbing about losing all her friends, Ron never noticing her as a girl and the unfairness of her life in general.

"As touching as this family reunion is." Sneered a familiar voice. "I believe we're meant to be having the heads meeting now."

"YOU'RE HEAD BOY?" Screamed Hermione tapping Ron's powers briefly.

A brief. "I didn't know it was seventh year." Could be heard vaguely in the direction of Ron's exit.

"Of course." Replied a sexily unruffled Penis. "Who else would it be? This is a Draco/Hermione ship after all."

"But I love Ron!" Screamed Two Voices.

"What do you mean 'I love Ron'?" Fired back two voices

"I thought that would be…" Started Crabbe

"Pretty Obvious." Finished Goyle.

You better watch out.


	2. On the trainsome more

-1DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

"Of course." Replied a sexily unruffled Penis. "Who else would it be? This is a Draco/Hermione ship after all."

"But I love Ron!" Screamed Two Voices.

"What do you mean 'I love Ron'?" Fired back two voices

"I thought that would be…" Started Crabbe

"Pretty Obvious." Finished Goyle.

You better watch out.

The Train Journey…Again.

Silence reigned.

Followed by barely contained Horror.

Hermione and Draco stared at dumb and dumber. "Who are the hell are you?" Sneered Draco, sneeringly.

"We're two characters from an American movie you've never heard of and the author has never seen." Replied Dumb.

"Which explains why we're completely out of Character." Added Dumber

"Wasn't Jim Carey in that film?" Hermione tentatively asked.

"AAAAARGH! Don't say his name!" Screamed Dumb.

"Why?" Hermione was bewildered, BEWILDERED.

"Every time you mention his name a perfectly good comic character has their soul ripped out and sent to hell." Dumb intoned solemnly.

"Really?" Draco smirked, grinned evilly and smirked all at once.

"Yes."

"Really? Really?"

"Yesssss"

Draco drew himself to his full height and screamed. "Jim Carey! Jim Carey!"

"NOOOO!" Screamed the luckless two before their souls were ripped from their bodies and sent to hell. Stunned silence followed. Draco idly poked Crabbe and Goyles lifeless bodies. Before evilly, turning to glare evilly at Dumb and Dumber. Smirking evilly, he wickedly grinned before screaming once again. "JIM CAREY JIM CAREY!"

"AAAAAARGH!"

Sighing Draco turned around wearily. Nothing.

"Accio Invisibility Cloak" Whispered Hermione. Revealing the bodies of Fred and George Weasley.0

Draco began beating his head against the wall in frustration.

"JIM CAREY JIM CAREY" Shocked he turned around to gawp at Hermione.

"AAAAARGH!" And finally Dumb and Dumber were no more.

"Guess that makes me a pretty poor comic character." Remarked Snapes Penis wryly.

Hermione and Draco looked around at the 6 bodies.

"What do we do now?" Hermiones stunned voice finally broke the silence.

"Have wild monkey sex" "Dry them out and sell them as firewood."

Hermione goggled at Draco who rolled his eyes.

"No, not me mudblood," He sneered. "I mean real sex with real monkeys. After all they are on your level."

Hermione was stunned, how could he say such mean things since she was NOW THE MOST POWERFUL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HOTTY EVER. Wait a second.

"For your information Malfoy" She sneered. "Professor Snape is my father, so I'm just as much a pureblood as you are."

"Actually GRANGER. You're a quarter blood." Sneered back Malfoy. "Considering Snape was a hlafblood who raped your muggle mother during the first war."

"Serious cliché alert, serious cliché alert." Intoned Snapes Penis.

"Shut up!" Screamed Hermione. "You're the prick who raped my mother."

"Yes, I am." Cooly replied the penis. "And my I add what I tight little ass she had."

"I think I'm going to be sick." Malfoy paled.

Hermione meanwhile had run out of the compartment sobbing.

"Ah well." Snapes Penis Shrugged before turning to Draco. "Now come over here and give Uncle Penis some sugar."

"Yes sir." Replied the once again smirking Draco.

The end…of this chapter.

Questions.

Where are Ron and Harry?

What will they do with the bodies?

Why the hell did I write this?

What happened to the plot?

What are Ron and Harry doing?

How big is Snapes Penis?

Does his Penis have a penis?

Is Hermione still hot?

All these questions and more will probably not be answered on the next chapter.

Next Chapter (preview in song form)

Lots of things will happen.

With dialogue and stuff

Maybe they'll get off the train.

Or Draco will get some muff…ins.

Fred and George back to life.

Maybe

Crabbe, Goyle also.

Hopefully not.

Lalalala…yeah!

Hope you've enjoyed this chapter.

Even though not a lot happened.

I promise more will happen.

In a story with a better plot.

This song is really shitty

Doesn't even rhyme.

I really should stop.

It really is a crime.

Now I'm going to read this again.

To check all my spelling mistakes.

Even though I'll miss some

And look really really gay.

But not in a homosexual sense.

Someones ringing the bell.

But I'm to busy to answer.

Maybe someone else will get.

Oh look they already have.

Hope you've sung a long.

Even though it's not really a song.

Let me now what tune you used in your head.

sniggers Head

YEAHHHHH!


	3. Still on the train Sigh

Where are Ron and Harry?

The Train. Dumbass.

What will they do with the bodies?

Rape 'em.

Why the hell did I write this?

Beats masturbating while watching the telletubies.

What happened to the plot?

What plot?

What are Ron and Harry doing?

Each other.

How big is Snapes Penis?

6ft 2

Does his Penis have a penis?

Of course.

Is Hermione still hot?

Hermione was never hot.

Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 3. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Still on the train. Sigh.

Draco wiped away the excess, 6 bodies still stared blankly at the ceiling. They had helped Snapes penis hold out for another 5 minutes. Draco viewed this as a mixed blessing. The soft silkiness of his shaft in Dracos mouth as opposed to the embarrassment of overflow.

"What do we do about the bodies?" He asked.

"Dessert?"

Draco smacked the Snapes Penis around the head. "Be serious, will you?"

"Nevah!"

Draco sighed, this was going to be a long journey.

Meanwhile.

Hermione was sobbing in an abandoned compartment, well it had been full until her blotchy, red eyed snot leaking, dribbling face had heaved into view. SOBBING. Life was just so unfair, this morning her life had seemed perfect. Head Girl and back at Hogwarts for her last year. Soon she would be a fully qualified witch ready to unleash her talents on the wizarding population.

"Now now," A cold high-pitched voice crooned. "Whatever is there to cry about my dear?"

Hermione froze, before, slowly, tortuously, looking upwards. In front of was her, the one, the only, INCARNATION OF ALL THINGS EVIL, TERROR OF WIZARDKIND, LOOOOOORD VOLDERMORRRRRRT…holding a box of tissues.

Dun dun DUUUUUUN!

"Checkmate." Ron smugly announced. SMUGLY.

Ron 2 peered intently at the board. 6 years of constant chess had somehow failed to endow the chosen one with any understanding of the game at all. Something Ron had now hesitation in proving, again and again.

"I didn't know we were playing chess." A perplexed voice failed to break Harry from his scrutiny.

"What else would you two be doing?" Sneered a voice.

Harry heads shot up towards, what turned out to be, Ginny. Both wilted.

"Exploding snap maybe." Ron answered.

"Or maybe talking about Draco." Mumbled Harry, blushing.

"What?"

"Nothing." Ron 2 replied.

Ginny peered at Harry/Ron 2 suspiciously. 7 years of idolisation had so far failed to produce any results. It had however given her accurate telescopes to view the happenings on Planet Harry as she liked to describe it, Sun Harry sounded wrong and Star Harry sounded retarded. So Planet Harry it was. With his messy raven locks, pointy face, broken glasses, girly eyes and silly scar. Who wouldn't want him? However something seemed out of place.

"You hungry Harry?"

Ron 2 looked up. "No, I just can't see how this is checkmate."

Sighing Ginny looked at the board.

"Ron." She stated flatly, "You can't checkmate your own king."

Sometimes she despaired at the pair of them. They were now both peering intently at the board. Facing screwed up in thought or constipation. It was so hard to tell sometimes.

It was going to be a long Journey.

Til' next time.

Voldermort and Ginny in one chapter. NOOOOOO!

**Throws daggers at the author.**

BOOO!

Sorry for the delay and for the even poorer quality of this chapters offerings.

To those two people who have this on story alert. HAHA!

My reviewers. **Cough** SAD **Cough**

Viktor Krums lazyllama: I update when **I** want to. Got that? Ask me again and I'll never update again.

Burnt-spagehtti-451: What's so confusing, retard? And that's not how you spell **spaghetti**, fuckwad.

Xsunflowerxeyesx: I can see why.

Captaincarnival: I deem your sucking up to be of acceptable quality. Not great, but not shit. Here's a smiley face. 

Ps. Thanks for reviewing. ;-) I love you guys really.


	4. Off the Train Wahey!

Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 4. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody

Not on the train. Wahey!

George groaned. "I wish I where-"

"-dead," interjected Fred.

George glared at his twin, though outwardly the exact double of Fred secretly George had hated his "lesser half" ever since he could remember, "I wish you'd-"

"-stop doing that." Grinned Fred.

OK, this was seriously getting lame already, to avoid looking at the gruesome halfwit George took in his surroundings. Grey was the main impression he got, in fact grey was the only colour he could see, and even Fred was a light grey.

'Shame, if he were the same colour as the background I might have been able to lose him.'

Some way off Crabbe and Goyle were hunched together peering at a piece of paper, occasionally they'd turn it over and their monkey faces would screw up in thought or was that constipation? Whatever it was had their full attention for which George was grateful.

"Where are-" Fred lumbered along in his wake, the fuckwad.

"-we." Small victories.

Now it was Fred's turn to glare at George. "I was **going** to say, 'Where are all the fluffy bunny rabbits', he snarled, "but-"

"-you've just ruined it now," Geroge replied lightly. "And no you weren't."

Death watched as they continued to squabble incessantly, normally one would have expected to pay for this sort of entertainment. Not that Death paid, he got free cable. The fucking cheapskate. Good thing to, with all the pornography he watched, the dirty bastard.

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

Crabbe looked at Goyle.

Goyle looked at Crabbe.

'P.T.O'

'P.T.O'

The note was beginning to get very worn.

Dumb and Dumber shook their heads sadly, apparently their lame ass movie counted for little in this shitty parody.

2 Chapters in 2 days.

Aren't we unlucky.


	5. Back on the train

Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 4. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

Chapter 5

Back on the Train

_Hermione froze, before, slowly, tortuously, looking upwards. In front of was her, the one, the only, INCARNATION OF ALL THINGS EVIL, TERROR OF WIZARDKIND, LOOOOOORD VOLDERMORRRRRRT…holding a box of tissues._

_Dun dun DUUUUUUN!_

You could hear a pin drop.

"Dammit," Muttered Voldermort as he peered down at his feet. "They're 20 per knut as well."

Hermione's other problems having been somewhat overshadowed by the appearance of the worlds most feared wizard of all time slunk off muttering. Observe the power of the Ostrich. Muahahaha.

"So," Hermione began.

"Yeah."

More silence.

"Well?" Added Hermione.

"Well what?"

Yet more silence.

"Why are you here?" Sighed Hermione, irritation winning over bladder trembling terror…finally.

"Why am I where?"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE." Screamed Hermione. "Why are you, Lord Voldermort, on the Hogwarts Express? IN MY FUCKING COMPARTMENT!"

"I didn't know Lord Voldermort was on the train," Came the distant voice of Ron.

Due consideration followed this statement.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Thud.

"Ron?" Harry's voice, rusty by disuse, croaked.

Nothing followed this Hermione frowned. Then she noticed voldermort smirking. He had his wand out. Tee hee.

"I'd rather not have any more interruptions." He announced coldly, before pressing the tissue into her hand. "Wipe your face, you look frightful. Not at all satisfactory for the bride of Voldermort."

Thud.

Voldermort shook her limp body slightly. Grinning his hands, as if of their own accord reached for her top.

Fin.

For now.


	6. Holding Out

-1Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 5. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh,

My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

Chapter 6

Holding Out

SLAP

"Ron!"

SLAP

"ROOOOON!"

Harry sighed as Ron groggily opened his eye's. "I didn't know there was a piano on the train."

Harry looked at Ron oddly. "What piano?"

"Listen."

Suddenly a voice picked up.

_Where have all the good men gone_

_And where are all the gods?_

Wordlessly Harry and Ron stood up and exited the compartment. The voice was coming from the end of the train away from the heads compartment.

_Where's the street-wise Hercules_

_To fight the rising odds?_

Harry opened the door, first of all noticing a pair of extremely large stilettos at the end of the most gorgeous pair of ankles he'd ever seen. Unfortunately the rest of the surprisingly petite body was covered in a shapely red dress. He looked up into the face of Colin Creevey who opened his mouth.

_Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?_

_Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need_

The sounds of Ron losing his lunch followed by the reek of corned beef sandwiches nearly caused Harry to lose his lunch as well. Then an excitable voice broke this charming sequence.

"Harry, You-know-who has Hermione." Shrieked Dennis Creevey excitably.

"Who?" A weak Ron coughed.

But Harry wasn't listening. Voldemort had Hermione, Voldemort had Hermione.

VOLDERMORT HAD HERMIONE!

The tempo picked up.

_I need a hero_

_I'm holding out for at hero 'till the end of the night_

_He's gotta be strong_

_And he's gotta be fast_

_And he's gotta be fresh from the fight_

Shuddering Ron turned to Harry, or didn't.

"I didn't know Harry could move that fast."

_I need a hero_

_I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light_

_He's gotta be sure_

_And it's gotta be soon_

_And he's gotta be larger than life_

_Larger than life_

Halfway down the corridor Harry was already sprinting full out towards were he could mysteriously sense Hermione, for no reason at all. AT ALL. Ahem. When in front appeared Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black and Another Death Eater.

"Ah fuck," Exclaimed the anonymous Death Eater.

"Now now Potter," Sneered Malfoy sneeringly, "Not until after she's dead."

"I didn't know Death Eaters were on the train."

THUD

_Doo doo doo doooo_

_Doo doo doo doooo_

_Doo doo doo doooo_

_Aaahhh_

_Aaahhh_

Snarling Harry drew the sword of Gryffindor which he had for some reason been carrying the entire time. Muscles bunched as he sped towards the still distant death Eaters.

"Avada Kedavra." Screamed three voices.

Only to be stunned as he dodged all 3.

_Somewhere after midnight_

_In my wildest fantasy_

_Somewhere just beyond my reach_

_There's someone reaching back for me_

_Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat_

_It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet_

Then suddenly it became to frantic to describe. Tentatively the anonymous Death Eater looked at his colleagues. They seemed shorter than usual. About a head shorter in fact. On the other hand, he seemed alive. Grinning he turned only to be met by the oncoming fist of a red haired weasel.

Voldemort cocked his head listening to the music.

_Up where the mountains meet the heavens above_

_Out where the lightning strikes the sea_

_I could swear there is someone somewhere_

_Watching me_

SLAM! Harry smashed through the door. This wasn't the skinny kid of 5 minutes previously. Blood stained his Hogwarts uniform which bulged in all kinds interesting places.

Behind the grunts from Ron and the Anonymous death eater had become more rhythmic.

"I didn't know I was gay."

"Welcome Potter." Voldemort replied coolly, "I've been expecting you."

_Through the wind and the chill and the rain_

_And the storm and the flood_

_I can feel his approach_

_Like a fire in my blood_

_I need a hero_

_I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light_

_He's gotta be sure_

_And it's gotta be soon_

_And he's gotta be larger than life_

"Get away from her Voldemort." Gritted Harry.

_He's gotta be strong_

_And he's gotta be fast_

_And he's gotta be fresh from the fight_

"Why should I?" Taunted the colossal prick.

A flash of silver.

_I need a hero_

Harry watched in satisfaction as Voldemort's head hit the floor. "That's why."

"Harry?"

Harry looked down into Hermiones wide brown eye's.

"Yes Hermione."

"Thanks."

He shifted uncomfortably. "Sure, anytime."

Silence followed.

"So, you're a Snape now." He gave her a lopsided smile.

Suddenly the tense atmosphere lightened as two platonic friends discussed their summer and all that was new.

COUGH

Nothing else.

Meanwhile.

"So," Dave the Death Eater started. "Are we like going out or what?"

"Anything for you honey bun." Simpered Ron.

Riiiiight.

Apologies for the shortness between chapters.


	7. Where have you been?

-1Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 6. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh,

My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

Chapter 7

Someone new, someone old.

Yeah that's where.

THE TRAIN…YET AGAIN!

Where HAVE you been?

Draco was pissed, in fact more than pissed.

"Not one sodding mention in 3 chapters, fucking author making me out to be some kind of pansy cocksucker. I'll show him, fucking Harry Potter, killing the tightest ass err…the greatest wizard ever, I'll show him too. And that fucking Weasel, cheating on me with some lowly death eater piece of shit. OOF"

"OH MY GOSH!" Shrieked a girlish voice from like about, totally 1 foot away. "THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS! I'M IN HARRY POTTER!"

Unfortunately, or fortunately (if you like him) Draco had passed out. Weird Romione Thing shrugged, this was like, totally cool. She didn't pause to consider the extreme oddness of the last minute. She had a mission to complete. Ron and Hermione would get together, or her initials weren't W.R.T!

And they were! So Ron and Hermione were to be married, post haste. SQUEEEE! She skipped happily away.

Be afraid, very afraid.

My reviewers. **Cough** SAD **Cough**

Viktor Krums lazyllama: Another review. Kind of creepy.

Alberix Silver Quill: How would I be able to hunt down and kill all the bad reviewers.

Heaven's Flying fish: Wow. 6 Reviews! Should I be scared?

Pairings: As an impressionable fool I will take soundings on who should be paired with whom from anonymous weirdo's who I've never met before. Even though this is supposed to be a Dramione fic.

Questions:

1. Should I change my disclaimer?

2. Who took the cookie from the cookie jar?


	8. Where's my Weasel?

-1Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. Nor Am I Terry Pratchett you do the Math

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "Harry is my true love".  
It is a weaselette.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "Waaa!".  
It is a Cho.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "It's not spew it's S.P.E.W.".  
It is a Bushy Haired Mudblood.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "Hold still Harry"  
It is a creepy Creevy.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "20 Points from Gryffindor!".  
It is a Snivellus.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "I love you Dave".  
It is my Weasel!

To my one reviewer, thank you.

To the rest of you. Fuck you.

Have a nice day.


	9. Ginny the redhosed Weasel

-1Disclaimer: Anything you recognise, I don't own. Anything you don't recognise, I don't own. Anything you're not sure about, I don't own.

Ginny, the red-hosed Weasel  
had some very shiny hose.  
And if you ever saw it,  
you would even say it glows.

All of the other Weasels  
used to laugh and call her names.  
They never let poor Ginny  
join in any Weasel games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve  
Arthur came to say:  
"Ginny with your Hose so bright,  
won't you guide my Car tonight?"

Then all the Weasels loved her  
as they shouted out with glee,  
Ginny the red-hosed Weasel,  
you'll go down in history!

SQUEE!**  
**


	10. It's sooo long!

-1BACK ONCE MORE! BACK TO REALITY!

Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 9. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh,

My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

Chapter 10

Where do we go from here?

Owing to my insane jumps around the train and outside, my crazy plot leaps and severe OOCness from my earlier chapters I thought I'd take the time and effort to inform my loyal readers where all the characters are, what they are doing etc

DRACO MALFOY AKA 'The Ferret'

An irritating stuck up pointy faced little fag who is currently unconscious in the corridor of the train after being knocked out by W.R.T. Hasn't really done much except lust of Weasel, suck off 'Snape's Penis' and insult Hermione. Responsible for the death of 4 perfectly good comic creations.

HERMIONE SNAPE FORMERLEY GRANGER AKA 'Bride of Voldemort'

On finding she is in fact Snapes's spawn she is NOW THE MOST POWERFUL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HOTTY EVER. She is currently being very platonic with an equally clueless Harry Potter after he just saved her from an arranged marriage to Voldemort, by killing the later. Not the former. Responsible for the death of 2 perfectly good comic creations. She has also cried a lot.

RONALD WEASLEY AKA 'The Weasel'

Currently in a creepy slash romance with 'Dave the Death Eater' whom he fought fighting to get to Harry. Borderline retarded with a fetish for corned beef, chess and audits this fuckwit has gone around clueless to anything. The only character true to canon. Has not caused the death of any perfectly good comic creations.

HARRY POTTER AKA 'The boy who lived'

Currently being clueless and platonic with Hermione Snape after saving her from an arranged marriage to Voldemort. Veers from superhero to completely clueless just about every time I have a mood swing which is slightly more often than I change my underwear. Responsible for the death of 3 perfectly good comic creations, Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Can't play chess.

SNAPE'S PENIS AKA 'Worst comic creation EVA'

Possibly the worst comic creation in the history of shitty comic creations. A huge walking talking penis who has just arrived back from a visit to Ireland. Raped Hermione's mother and sucked off by Malfoy. Responsible for the death of no perfectly good comic creations.

THE DISTANT VOICE OF RON courtesy of Heavens Flying Fish AKA 'HFF 's favourite character'

Completely clueless yet comfortingly far away, with a tendency to faint. Responsible for the death of no perfectly good comic creations. Whenever Ron's not about he might be listening. Spooky. Woooooo.

CRABBE AND GOYLE. AKA 'Dumb and Dumber'

1 brain 2 bodies, after announcing their unrequited love of our favourite Danger Weasel they were immediately killed by Draco Malfoy and were last seen turning a piece of paper over labelled 'P.T.O' in purgatory. May return.

DUMB AND DUMBER AKA 'What the FUCK are They Doing Here!?'

They came, they saw, they died. The End.

FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY. AKA 'Weasley's who are actually funny, actually'

Killed while perving on the conversation in the later pate of chapter 1 and early part of chapter 2. Last seen bitching in purgatory. May come back. Or not. Vote now. But you won't. So FUCK YOU!!!!!

LORD VOLDERMORT AKA 'Twatface'

Killed by Harry while trying to touch up Hermione Snape. Somehow ended up on the train. Beheaded. HAHA Responsible for the deaths of no perfectly good comic creations. May be back.

GINNY WEASLEY AKA 'Superbitch' or 'The littlest Weasel' or 'Slut'

Was a bitch to Harry and Ron, a hungry angry silly bitch. Kind of lost track of her after that. Responsible for the deaths of no perfectly good comic creations. Unless she's killed herself, we can all pray for that one. I like her.

DEATH AKA 'Ripped straight out of the Discworld'

He's a fucking pervert I tells yah! A fucking bony pervert! Responsible for the death of 7 perfectly good comic creations. Currently in purgatory.

COLIN CREEVY AKA 'Potty Stalker'

Currently going through Bonnie Tyler greatest hits dressed in a slinky red number. Shudder Responsible for the deaths of no perfectly good comic creations.

DENNIS CREEVY AKA 'The excitable creevy'

Snitched on Voldermort. So responsible for the death of 3 perfectly good comic creations. The twat.

LUCIUS MALFOY AND BELLATRIX BLACK AKA 'Random Death Eaters'

Tried to get between potty and his mudblood and ended up eating cold steel. Morons. DEAD DEAD DEAD.

DAVE THE DEATH EATER AKA 'Who the fuck are you?'

Currently snuggle bunny to the thickest Weasel. Met during a confrontation between the light and the dark. Responsible for the deaths of no perfectly good comic creations.

WEIRD ROMIONE THING AKA 'Not based on anyone…honest guvnor'

Entered the world of fan fic in order to convince Hermione and Ron that their true destiny belongs together. Dangerously deluded, but did knock out Draco Malfoy. We'll be seeing more from her. Be afraid, be very afraid. Muahahahahahaha. Not responsible for the deaths of any perfectly good comic creations.

DUMBLEDORE AND THE SQUID AKA 'The odd couple' BOOOYAAAA!

Not actually appeared yet. Despite being in the title. Disturbing sex scene will be coming, but you won't. Unless you're sick, very very sick. Shudders

Not yet

To all my loyal reviews.

BLEEEEEEURGH!

To all my homies and peeps.

KNICKERS!

Respect!

BOYAAAAAAH!

He's got the groove!

Oh…yeah!

Go Snakeman!

It's your birthday!


	11. Not on the train 2

-1Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 10. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh,

My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody.

Chapter 11

Not on train 2

SPLASH! SPLASH!

"C'mon!" Pleaded an elderly voice.

SPLASH! SPLASH!

"Please!" Whiny now.

SPLASH! SPLASH!

"Why?" Desperate.

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!

Shock. "How could you do that to me? You ungrateful squatter!" Like the yapping of an Angry Dog, a SMALL angry dog.

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!

Retching

"You're mean!" Pouting.

SPLASH!

"Stop getting me wet!"

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!

--------------------------------

SPLASH!-Yes

SPLASH! SPLASH!-No

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!-I'm seeing Professor McGonagall

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!-She's got a bigger penis than you.

SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH! -Ewwwww

SQUEEEE!

Albus and the Giant Squid!

Grins Evilly.


	12. Where's my Weasel? 2

-1Disclaimer: Wasn't me, not mine…Honest.

Back by popular acclaim

Where's my Weasel?

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "Mudblood".  
It is a Ferret.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "If Mr Potter and Mr Weasley would be kind enough to act their age".  
It is a Annoying Scottish Shrew.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "ROAR!".  
It is a Loony.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "Nitwit Oddment Blubber Tweak"  
It is a Dumbles.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "HERMY!".  
It is a Little Giant.  
That's not my Weasel!

Where's my Weasel?  
Is that my Weasel?  
It goes "I love you Dave".  
It is my Weasel!

Aren't we all in some way looking for our weasel?

Weasel's are furry.

They have sharp teeth.

Not very big though.

Till next time.


	13. Gred and Forge

-1Previously on Not Another Albus Giant Squid parody.

Read the last chapter again you forgetful mongtard.

Ahem.

Chapter 13. Err...Right. What to put.

What has happened so far?

Goes back and Reads. Err…

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, the Harlem Globetrotters, Cesc Fabregas sigh, My computer or this piece of work.

Sorry about this chapter, the last one and any future ones I write on this fic. This will not be spell checked or read through again. If you don't like it. Take a carrot and shove it.

Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody

Chapter 14

Not on the train. Wahey!

Two pairs of Eye's watched his approach, the first thing they noticed were his eyes. What colour were they? Green? Grey? Blue? Then there was the hair. Brown? Auburn? Ginger? Neat and dull somehow giving the impression that a comb had never touched, it. These were the best features of a slightly ratty face upon which half a stubble shadow existed. With a slightly stained creamy polo neck and black jeans covering a slight form which somehow gave the impression of chubbiness he wasn't much to look at.

Then again he was the first thing Gred and Forge had seen here since arriving from the train.

"Who do you-"

"-reckon that is? I-"

"Don't know."

THUD

The smell of Milk & Honey caused the two delinquents to look up.

"Who-"

"I am?"

Fred glared at the author while George grinned.

"Yes." Fred Snarled.

"I am…"The stranger began.

…..

"Yes?" Gritted out Fred.

"THE AUTHOR" Stated 'the author' portentously.

"The what?" Georges brow crinkled in moronic incomprehension.

"The Author of this Story." They both look blank. The Author sighed. "But you can call me GOD."

The reaction wasn't the one he hoped for, almost simultaneously both boys collapsed laughing. God watched patiently, 10 minutes later he sighed. Lightning scorched the ground in front of the chuckle brothers. Slowly the reek of piss assailed his nostrils as two pairs of terrified eyes gazed up at him.

"If you God aren't you meant to know everything?" Asked George, who hadn't pissed himself and wanted to kill Fred.

"Yes," Replied God/The Author patiently.

"Then what's my deepest darkest secret?"

"You masturbate the most out of anyone in the world."

Fred snorted. "Everyone knows that."

The Author/God now known as TAG smirked. "When he does he thinks about you."

The twins looked at each other, almost shyly. Tag sighed and got out a book.

PS. Now officially Harry/Hermione.

Woo.


	14. Was Bored

Disclaimer: not mine.

Recently on Not Another Albus Giant Squid Parody: Draco Malfoy smirked as he followed his father through the barrier, as long as his father was here none of the other bigger boys would be able to pick on him and he'd have more time for the quality sucking up he was famed for (the publicly displayable kind…for now)…STOP, STOP that's not the direction we want to go in.

Silence reigned. Followed by barely contained Horror. Hermione and Draco stared at dumb and dumber. "Who are the hell are you?" Sneered Draco, sneeringly. "We're two characters from an American movie you've never heard of and the author has never seen." Replied Dumb.

Draco wiped away the excess, 6 bodies still stared blankly at the ceiling. They had helped Snapes penis hold out for another 5 minutes. Draco viewed this as a mixed blessing. The soft silkiness of his shaft in Dracos mouth as opposed to the embarrassment of overflow. "What do we do about the bodies?" He asked.

George groaned. "I wish I where-" "-dead," interjected Fred. George glared at his twin, though outwardly the exact double of Fred secretly George had hated his "lesser half" ever since he could remember, "I wish you'd-"

_Hermione froze, before, slowly, tortuously, looking upwards. In front of was her, the one, the only, INCARNATION OF ALL THINGS EVIL, TERROR OF WIZARDKIND, LOOOOOORD VOLDERMORRRRRRT…holding a box of tissues._ _Dun dun DUUUUUUN!_ You could hear a pin drop.

SLAP "Ron!" SLAP "ROOOOON!"

Draco was pissed, in fact more than pissed. "Not one sodding mention in 3 chapters, fucking author making me out to be some kind of pansy cocksucker. I'll show him, fucking Harry Potter, killing the tightest ass err…the greatest wizard ever, I'll show him too. And that fucking Weasel, cheating on me with some lowly death eater piece of shit. OOF"

Where's my Weasel? Is that my Weasel? It goes "Harry is my true love". It is a weaselette. That's not my Weasel!

Ginny, the red-hosed Weasel had some very shiny hose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.

Owing to my insane jumps around the train and outside, my crazy plot leaps and severe OOCness from my earlier chapters I thought I'd take the time and effort to inform my loyal readers where all the characters are, what they are doing etc DRACO MALFOY AKA 'The Ferret'

SPLASH! SPLASH! "C'mon!" Pleaded an elderly voice. SPLASH! SPLASH! "Please!" Whiny now.

Where's my Weasel? Is that my Weasel? It goes "Mudblood". It is a Ferret. That's not my Weasel!

Two pairs of Eye's watched his approach, the first thing they noticed were his eyes. What colour were they? Green? Grey? Blue? Then there was the hair. Brown? Auburn? Ginger? Neat and dull somehow giving the impression that a comb had never touched, it. These were the best features of a slightly ratty face upon which half a stubble shadow existed. With a slightly stained creamy polo neck and black jeans covering a slight form which somehow gave the impression of chubbiness he wasn't much to look at.

The really really long one.

Really.

Mission: To get Ron and Hermione together.

Task 1: Gain access to the Hogwarts express. Check.

Task 2: Gain an overall understanding of the social dynamics concerning Ronald Bilius Weasley and Hermione Jane Granger. Check

Task 3: Change the social dynamics of the subjects of task 2 to enable the mission to be accomplished.

Task 4: Complete the mission.

Task 5: Monitor relationships for 6 months.

Task 6: Change dynamics of relationship to ensure that the mission is not needed…again.

Task 7: If all else fails got to PLAN B.

Task 8: Having confirmed success, marry Brad Pitt.

W.R.T. grimaced, it had al looked so easy when drawing up the plans at the Asylum, I mean how hard could such an obvious romance be to engender. She had read all the books, even though all those Anvils were a bit odd. She hadn't seen any anvils in any other books. Then again books like learning to read and my first ABC were unlikely to be in the same class as the great JK Rowling. If it was soo easy then was tasks 1 & 8 looking like the easiest tasks in her plan.

One involved the non trivial task of bending the reality of the universe in order to access a universe that in all probability didn't exist and the other the less said about the better. She observed her notes.

Ronald Bilius Weaslety AKA 'Only in it because he's sleeping with the Authoress'

Loyal, brave, witty, sexy, strategic genius completely in love with Hermione. He shows his love by disregarding…ignoring…mocking…er…flirting that's it flirting with her, complimenting her to weasel his way out her bad graces…trying to get her to do his homework…showing jealousy when others complement her…er…he's no Romeo OK?!, sigh.

Well…at least they dated in the 6th year, well arranged a date. Well she asked him out, which was good, but he went off with Lavender. W.R.T scowled.

That showed…er, he was trying to gain experience to 'refine his technique', OK! OK! Ditching the 'love of his life' for some cheap snogs because the 'love of his life' had committed high treason by allegedly kissing a guy, two years ago, did seem a bit odd…completely stupid…the acts of a petty insecure stupid jerk. Imagine the jealousy when 'actually' going out. She shuddered, the 6 months relationships was beginning to look less and less appealing.

At least they had a lot in common…some things…Ok. They are both magical, friends with Harry err.

W.R.T. muffled a sob as she buried her head in her hands.

Tag looked on at the sleeping couple. S.S Canon if not completely sunk was rather lower in the water than usual, whereas S.S. Fan fiction was completely unscathed.

He saw and it was Good.

­­­­­­­­­­­

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit lonely  
and you're never coming round.  
TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit tired  
of listening to the sound of my tears.

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit nervous  
that the best of all the years have gone by.

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit terrified  
and then I see the look in your eyes.

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.  
TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit restless  
and I dream of something wild.

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit helpless  
and I'm lying like a child in your arms.  
TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit angry  
and I know I've got to get out and cry.

TURN AROUND Every now and then I get a little bit terrified  
but then I see the look in your eyes.

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.  
TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever  
and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.  
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.

Together we can take it to the end of the line.  
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.  
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,  
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.  
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.  
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in  
the dark.  
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.  
TURN AROUND, BRIGHT EYES Every now and the I fall apart.

And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever  
and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever.  
And we'll only be making it right 'cause we'll never be wrong.  
Together we can take it to the end of the line.

Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.  
I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight,  
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart.  
There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.  
Once upon a time there was light in my life but now there's only love in  
the dark.  
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.

A total eclipse of the heart

Turn around bright eyes,

Turn around bright eyes,

Turn around.

Awwwww

A little bit of Harmione fluff.

Sorry.

Silveryswirls: Good prediction J

Mrs Claire Potter: Nyer! Then again my reviews of your stories haven't exactly been complimentary.


End file.
